Italia

‎"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."  - Nelson Mandela

As I took one last walk around the city that I adore today, I could not help but feel so at home. I kept thinking about how uncomfortable the thought of America is. They say; "Home is where your heart is." If this were true.. I would not be boarding a plane tomorrow. I am heartbroken to leave a place that has changed me. The Italian culture, people, and country have changed me to become not only a better person, but a better Christian. Thank you Italy for the sights that you possess, the alleyways you let me walk aimlessly, and the mystery that I have tried to discover these past 3 months about who I am as a person in this world. There are so many things that I will miss here. Rome will always have a special place in my heart.. we have shared a lot of precious and dear memories. We have shared so many cones of apple gelato. We have ran the streets of cobble and watched the morning fog arise from the ground. We have watched the sun set over the rooftops of the beautiful Romans that live in this city. Rome is apart of me. What now? How do I let myself be challenged by the thought of leaving? No one understands it, and that frustrates me so much. The people that were here, living this journey out day by day, are the only ones that will ever understand the difficulty of moving back to America. It is not a "transition" because I am not going back to who I was. It is not an "adjustment" because I don't think my life is meant to be contained to one country. I think the most shocking aspect of this semester is that I thought I knew God. I knew my "American God". Well, guess what? He isn't American. God reigns everywhere. I had Him in my little box, contained him to be what I needed Him to be: English speaking, easy to understand, and right where I wanted Him. God reigns everywhere. I had a hard time adjusting to another culture, because I didn't think I would find God here. I saw the characteristics of God in more ways than I ever thought I could. I have never experienced the love of my Savior as much as I have here in Europe. My expectations and desires of what God "should be" to me, were broken and shattered within the first week. If you don't want to see God at work in your life, stay in your comfort zone. And the funny thing is as soon as you pray to God to use you.. He will. And it is not comfortable or enjoyable at all times. However, the outcome is refreshing and eye-opening. Life becomes new when you live your life out to full potential. Something that I have had written under the description of this blog the whole three months is: "My goal is to see the other side of the Atlantic ocean in color, instead of black and white." My goal was achieved and even more so; created an addiction and obsession with this side of the world. Expectations will never be met here on this earth and traveling God's great and beautiful creation will only show us humans that fully. 

Reaching the end.

Wow, I am not doing so good with the frequent blogging. The last blog I wrote was March 10th?! A lot has happened since Spring Break, and now.. I leave Italy in 3 days. Where has the time gone?

This has been a very hard and emotional week for me. It is hard to admit that, because I have tried to cover up this feeling. This feeling of transition.. defiantly is something I do not have mastered in my life. It is so hard to visualize going home to America. Is that even my home? Yes, I was born and raised there.. but they say, home is where your heart is. Well, Italy has my heart. I think the hardest part of this transition back to America will be communicating with those that did not experience and see the things I did. Yes, other people have visited Italy.. or maybe even lived in Italy like I did. However, I can never, no matter how hard I try, explain what is on my heart now. Or express the love that I possess for these amazing people. I don't want to leave. I am heartbroken at the thought of leaving the cobblestone alleyways and the beautiful souls I have met, that have changed my life forever. This country has changed me as a person and as a Christian. God captured my heart in the discomfort of being in an unknown place. God took off the "goggles" that so many Americans have glued to their faces. The things I would normally see as "dirty, broken, or inconvenient", are now where I see God the most.

For an assignment, I was asked "What have you learned while being here in Italy?" Needless to say, the final writing assignment was 3 or 4 pages when I turned it in. I cannot even put fully into words the things I have learned. Not only historically and educationally about the many places I have visited. But also culturally. I have gotten the amazing chance to meet people from all over the globe, and even stay with some of them in their homes. I would encourage people all day, every day to leave. Leave the United States. Get out of the comfort of America, in fact, never be comfrotable. Never be "settled" at where you are at in life. Get out there and let the world mold and shape you for the better. The best piece of advice I have gotten, actually from my friend, Berit from Sweden, told me: "Yes, it will hard to go back. Chose to find the beauty everywhere you go. Take the good out of every culture and let it mold you. Keep traveling." Well, my dear Berit, that is exactly what I plan to do. Let the good of every culture mold me.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7

10 days of experiencing Him.

The windowsill holds me back from the world I am looking out over. The language barrier stops me from fitting in just enough to humble my soul. Different cultures. I don't want to look like "that" American. Walking down the streets of the unknown is outside the comfort zone. Outside the normal. Glances come from every direction. "What is she doing here?" We are all a body of people. The world is so big, yet so small. Populated by the diversity of God. His love is poured out from his creation through every breathtaking view, but better yet, through his people. God's people. The homeless man in the corner, a common scene that would send Americans running in the opposite direction. He is God's masterpiece. His brokenness is God, from his rusted can with 1 euro, to his worry creases stretched out across his forehead. To experience God is to let go. To love God is to fear Him. To trust God is to live in the light. I have never experienced the love and comfort of my heavenly father more so than in these past ten days of travel. Ten days of wandering an unknown land. Ten days of not knowing but being content with that. Letting go of the desire to be a powerful human is the healthiest thing one can participate in. Culture is a fine balance between two opposite humans, but alike in every tangible way. I have learned to love those that are different. And not just when I want to. Souls are beautiful. The connection of two that are from different sides of this earth is amazing. Poler opposites, but attracted through love of the soil they are standing upon. The good, the bad, and the ugly are going to be encountered daily through people. This world was created to adapt to the surroundings. Fighting the urge to make each and every day "familiar" is the creation of peace. Lessons of value are everywhere, search for adventure and married to that experience will always be a life lesson. I needed this trip. I needed to learn to respond to life. Never will I forget.

3 countries. 10 days. Let's go.

One presentation done. One midterm tomorrow. Spring break. I cannot even wait for a whole week and a half of relaxation. As I am trying to study my Italian verb tenses.. I am finding my attention diverted to packing and excitement. I have been so busy planning out every detail of this trip, that it has finally just hit me.. I leave in less than 24 hours. Well, now the hostels are set, the flights are booked, and my suitcase is packed.. kindof. (I cannot believe the amount I am bringing.. or not bringing for that matter.. getting so good at this 'packing light' thing!) I get to experience and see things that most people only dream of seeing in their lifetime. I will be strolling the gardens of Paris, seeing the colorful sights of Barcelona, and laying on the beaches of Lisbon. These next 10 days are going to be amazing. Ciao Roma, I still love you.

Truth and Grace.

Staircases and alleyways. I have come to the conclusion that alleys are considered the "safe zones". They are the peace amongst a busy crowd. They are the relief within chaos. Occasionally, you will see the old Italian man, smoking his cigar up against the wall. Alleyways are a destination, unlike a crazy street where the options of pizzerias and bars are endless. The staircases are the polar opposite. I take in a breathe of air before attempting to squeeze myself up the crowded stairs. These landmarks are more comparable to your life that just the hectic lifestyle of Rome. As Christ followers.. we are called to live in the stairwells.

"I need both: truth, so that I cannot hide from him, and grace, so that I do not wish to hide. If either were lacking, his severity might seem heavy without the one and his gaiety frivolous without the other. Truth without grace is bitter; and without the restraint of truth, devotion can be capricious, immoderate and over-confident." - Bernard of Clairvaux

Another great weekend.

How is it Sunday night again? Even with an extra day added to my weekend.. it goes by too fast. I am officially moving to Italy. I have only said that a good 100 times now..but it's true! The more I see, the more it captures my heart. I love living in the hustle of the city all week long and then leaving on the weekend to explore more. The life of trains is something I would never expect myself to be liking, but hey.. get me some coffee and I will get up early to board a train. My weekend started with a trip to Orvieto, the most beautiful country side I have ever seen. Honestly, to judge Italy based on Rome is like judging the United States based on New York. There is so much more to see all within hours of my reach. The day I got here, Patrick and I, (as jet legged as we were) walked around Rome for hours. Up and down the cobble stone roads, not even caring that we did not know where on earth we were going or how we were going to get back. This is something we still do at least once a week. Saturday we got on a bus, did not even know where it stopped at, and traveled until something appealing was out our window. This city will never cease to amaze me.

"Bizarre travel plans are dancing lessons from God." - Kurt Vonnegut

Lift me up.

Saturday marks the day of living in this place I once called "foreign" for one month. It seems as though up until this point I have been getting "acclimated". I have been using the excuse, "Oh, I'm new here" as comfort. I can tell the difference this week. I am beginning to feel the pull of the excited student studying abroad to creating an actual home here. To think that I am 1/3rd done with my journey is such an eye opener. I have found places that I consider myself a "regular" at.. cafes near my convent, pizzerias, or even the grocery store. The best way I can define the difference between a "traveler" and a "tourist" is the way they respond to things. I have found that when I walk in somewhere and the first word spoken to me is in English.. a wave of annoyance overtakes me. Give me a chance please, I am learning your language. Let me use it. When there is a bus strike (which is about every other day), calling a taxi does not even cross my mind.. scenic route all the way home. I love becoming the traveler. I love evolving into the person I am suppose to be in Italy. Tonight I went exploring with Patrick, and had the best tiramisu I have had here so far. My favorite translation from Italian to English is the word, "tiramisu".. it literally translates to "pick me up". Who couldn't use a little slice of that a day? :)

Grosseto.

Interesting weekend. I went to Tuscany to escape the snow of Rome.. and it followed me there. However, I learned some very valuable lessons this weekend:

1. Things are never going to go according to plan. Ever.
2. Rome is my favorite city in Italy. The people are the best you will ever meet.
3. Ask questions. Nothing is ever given up front.

I sat in the most beautiful church I have ever seen, in complete serenity. I traveled like a true traveler would and made the most of every situation. I walked in what I like to call, 1/4 of a blizzard, to get to a shopping center. I met a man from South Africa in a pool that made me wear a swim cap. Carlo, we'll never forget you and your stories.

In a nutshell: I had the time of my life, doing the exact opposite of the plans I had made.

World wind.

I have been living here for three weeks now. Weird. It feels like I have been here for months. Today we visited the catacombs of Rome. It was probably single handedly the most amazing sight I have ever seen. They are huge and go on for miles and miles, leaving my mind with 500 questions. Of course throughout the day my brain has been jostling with the confusion of how they were built. However, the more I thought about it.. I found myself getting frustrated with so many concepts, not even directly related. Life is really funny to me. The things people get so wrapped up in, confuse me, and I will never make sense of it. I do not understand those that choose to categorize themselves by religion. Yes, religion was an amazing concept. Was. It was legalized so that the government and the church were separated. We live in a time now, where they could not be more set apart. My question for anyone that intertwines their identity with their particular "church" or "religion".. is WHY? God saved prostitutes, adulteress', murderers, and those that did unthinkable crimes. Not once did he ask them, "What is your religious denomination?, because if you are ____, I can't save you." No. He said, "Now, Go in Faith." I don't know about you.. but my religion is Jesus. When He was here on earth, he did not give us a set of rules to attain to on Sunday mornings. Live outside your box of fears. Give yourself a break. Befriend someone that believes something you don't. Agree to disagree.

Matthew 22:36-40

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Snow.

It has SNOWED. It is so beautiful and out of context to see. I feel so lucky to experience such a sight. It has been 26 years since Rome has seen snow. Walking around today, there was so much energy amongst the people. I am really happy it did not snow on Friday, because we went to Pompeii for the day.. would have been a little cold outside all day in that! Pompeii was so incredible to see.. I can't believe I was standing in front of monuments that I have learned about in all my History books growing up. To see the volcano that effected so many lives and to stand on the ground which was once a home to a family. Being in Pompeii put life in so much perspective for me. I knew since being here I would grow in unexplainable ways, but I never expected to understand so much more in just 3 weeks. To see the last prayers being said before these families died makes me think about how much is taken for granted in life. Living in California the past 2 years has been really difficult for me. I can never quite put my finger on why there is so much conflict between the way that I was raised and with those that were raised in that state. It is because many people assume that it is THE world. That is all there is. A lot of the time I get comments made towards me like, "no wonder you came to California" or "Wow, this must be SO different for you." Yes. It is different. That doesn't necessarily make it better. We are all so self absorbed.. we assume that our lives are the reason why the sun is shining up above. It is such a newsflash being here. There are MILLIONS of lives out there.. why focus on just my own? It is hard being away from home and out of my comfort zone, I have really started to realize the amount of people that put forth effort to care about your experience or stay in touch.. let me tell you, it is very few. There are so many lives. The sun does not shine for just one person. And the day it does, Jesus will be back on this earth.

Boots and English.

To many, what I am about to say may seem so pointless. However, I do not care. Today I got my first pair of Italian leather boots. I am writing about this for 2 reasons. One, because I want to tell my mom about them, but our phones are down.. she is the only one who will probably be as excited as me, if not more. And secondly, because clearly boots are a part of the culture here. I will go as far as saying, a necessity. Upon coming here, I decided to volenteer in some way, since I would be here for three months. I am teaching English to native Italians every Tuesday night. It is so eye opening. Being in this city, has humbled me SO much. For anyone who has never left the US, you have no idea how hard it is to walk down a street, looking for a grocery store, bank, or better yet, a specific restaurant in downtown Rome, and not be able to ask for help or when you do ask, actually understanding the directions. It gets frustrating after a while.. no matter how many phrases I look up, until I am concrete in my Italian skills.. I will not be able to communicate. Anyone that knows me.. knows that I love to talk to strangers. I thrive off of it. It is starting to hit me, the fact that I am a stranger, an alien, a foreigner to this town. Being the minority is HARD. Hearing the level of  English that these Italians could speak tonight was shocking. They were learning the body parts.. hearing someone try to say "teeth" amazed me. English is the hardest language to learn, (argue with me if you'd like). We have more slang and informal phrases than any other language. It was a breathe of fresh air, to hear the words of my language. I love the level of "help" that a language class can bring.. a sense of bonding between two different cultures. When I am in my Italian class, my professor wants nothing more than to help and teach me to the best of her ability. I love being able to give back, to pass the gift of English on to those that need my help. It is amazing that here I am, abroad in Italy, and each week, I get to be a term of reference for residents of this country. I always thought it would be vice versa.

Run like the Romans do.

Today is a good day. I have found my running community. You see, everywhere I have run thus far, I get stared down, almost hit by every smart car that passes, or have to stop every 3 feet to wait for a green light. Finally a running park where it does not matter if my hair is blonde and my eyes are blue as long as my Nike shoes are running at the same pace as those around me. It is nice to have a little piece of home with me. A place where I blend in. A place to pursue one of my favorite passions. And better yet, it is surrounding by villas that look like castles and plants flourishing left and right. Never knew I could enjoy my runs even more.

Taking personality personally.

Sometimes it is really difficult for me to understand people. Personality types have always bothered me. Is that egotistical to say? I shouldn't be wanting everyone to be just like me. All I wish I had in life was the opportunity to meet people who actually care. Who care enough to put forth the effort in any relationship. Diversity is a beautiful thing. That word gets thrown around a lot with the wrong definition in mind. A definition I read about and really appreciate is that diversity means, "a point of difference." That means somewhere in someones life, they hit a point that caused them to move in a different direction. They chose a different path than what we chose. They experienced different things and had different outcomes. Living here in Rome has really tested me with this concept. I live in a convent (yes, with nuns) and with 19 other college students, ranging from the west coast to the east and everything in between. Of course, that calls for conflict, tension, and weird encounters of every kind. My prayer all along on this trip has been to accept others for their beliefs and upbringing. How much is too much? How many rude remarks and glares do I take before I can stop putting forth effort? I understand that we are different and that some people are more emotional than others. Judgment can break up some great potential relationships though. I am by no means perfect at this or have it all figured out. The number one thing helping me accept other people studying here in this convent is knowing that although we all have a different "point of difference", our point of likeness is that we are all here in Rome from across the country looking for a connectedness needed in some corner of our lives.

Beautiful.

Wow, I feel as though I have no time to even sit down and think about all that I have been doing. It is crazy to think I have only been in Rome for one week.. feels more like a month! Yesterday we took a trip to the San Clemente church.. it was so amazing. It is a three level church and each level was built without the knowledge of the first level being there. You can really see the progression of society and life in each church as they are built on top of each other. It is hard to believe that things that old still exist. It is so easy to brush off history as something in the past. I learned about history my whole life and I always associated it with something lost. Something old. Something pointless. In all honesty I can say that (don't judge, I have sat through some pretty boring history classes). Being here in one week has opened my eyes to a world that not only was demolished, lost, and of the past. But, a world that is still standing and is beautiful. It is beautiful. It started to make me think about all of the newer modern buildings that are standing in America today. They are ugly. They get torn down within 5 years of the start of their existence. The beauty found in this place that I am living in, is one that is discovered but not defined. For crying out load, cities in America refuse to put a restaurant in town because their marketing colors don't "match" the rest of the surrounding buildings. What is beauty? Why is it defined by the eyes of high decision makers? Isn't beauty something philosophical? Something that is a possession of subjectivity? I live across the street from the Afghanistan embassy and there are at least 3 other embassies in the surrounding area. I was expecting to see just Italians here. I was wrong. Of course, Rome is touristy so there are cameras flashing at big historical sites in the hands of countries represented. However, the mixture of culture and language is a ringing sound in my ears as I am walking down streets of cobblestone and viewing buildings of marble. And I am convinced that I will not see a more beautiful site until I am in heaven. Isn't this what heaven will be like? When all the nations come together? Of course, there will be a common relationship with the living God verses standing in a line to see the Colosseum. Why is beauty on earth defined by the selfishness of this world and driven by a goal of wanting "more". Beauty is subjective. Beauty is culture. Beauty is not only the created nature, but the things made by man to reflect what God's creatures can really do.

Can I move here now?

I am falling in love with this city. It is hard to fathom each and every day as I wake up that I live in such an enchanting place. Today I had my first run in Rome. How I lasted 4 days without one? I don't even know. It was amazing to run down a cobblestone road of history. Everywhere I look is a monument of culture. Being in a completely different country has opened my eyes to the flawed life I have been living. Italy is not perfect by any means, but America is so self centered. It makes me sad to think that I can walk down the street at home, texting, and not even looking up once. Italians know a time and a place for everything and follow those standards daily. As I walk these roads, I cannot help but to look at all the doors around me.. I have always loved the look of doors. They symbolize such a significant part of any home or building. The doors located here are decorated with fragments of history, I will never know all of the people that have walked in and out of them that have had an influence on this world. A door can represent a hello or a goodbye. A start or an end. The beginning of something or the end of another. When it all comes down to it, a door requires a person with a goal. A decision. A final destination or just a first chapter.

Here at last.

I am officially in Rome. The trip took FOREVER. 10 hours on a plane is a really long time, regardless of how many movies you watch. Once arriving here, I could not believe how clear everything is. The air is so crisp and cool and it is always the perfect temperature. The first and second day were really hard, jet leg sucks. I was seriously up for a total of 30 hours straight.. I started to see double by the time I got to sleep. It is so weird to think that I am in a foreign country.. I have been really busy with orientation, (I forgot I actually have to do school here ha). In my free time I have been walking the streets with Patrick and have been trying ever bar (coffee shop) possible! Gotta find my favorite :) I love the neighborhood we live in. People stare like they have never seen a blonde.. ha! I defiantly stand out here. I feel like Italy is what you would see in a fairy tale.. the streets, architecture, and culture is something I have never experienced before. Each building has such a history to it. A hidden beauty. It is weird to not be the majority, to not be able to do something simple as read a sign or build board. Even though the Romans live such a busy and fast pace life here, they live a simplistic lifestyle. They communicate. They talk to those on the street, instead of looking at their cell phones and ignoring the hustle around them.

Tomorrow.

I am used to traveling. Airplanes, packing, goodbyes.. these are all very familiar to me. As I think about leaving the country tomorrow morning, a foreign emotion posses my being. I am packing, not very well might I add, for three months. To live in a place where I do not speak the common language, to interact with those that have a completely different history than myself, to eat food that I have never seen, and to see places that I did not even know existed aside from google images. I hope that as I start this journey that I do so with an open heart to jump into things I will never get the chance to do again. I have made the decision that today is my last day of being "comfortable". I'm sitting on my cozy queen size bed, with my Starbucks in hand, texting my friends goodbyes. I am going to change my way of life for three months and give up my favorite "necessities". I am a strong believer in the fact that you grow the most when you are taken out of your comfort zone. When you are given the chance to adapt to something new, you feel life in a different emotion. One of my favorite quotes that is repeating through my head today is by St Augustine, "The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."