Italia

‎"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."  - Nelson Mandela

As I took one last walk around the city that I adore today, I could not help but feel so at home. I kept thinking about how uncomfortable the thought of America is. They say; "Home is where your heart is." If this were true.. I would not be boarding a plane tomorrow. I am heartbroken to leave a place that has changed me. The Italian culture, people, and country have changed me to become not only a better person, but a better Christian. Thank you Italy for the sights that you possess, the alleyways you let me walk aimlessly, and the mystery that I have tried to discover these past 3 months about who I am as a person in this world. There are so many things that I will miss here. Rome will always have a special place in my heart.. we have shared a lot of precious and dear memories. We have shared so many cones of apple gelato. We have ran the streets of cobble and watched the morning fog arise from the ground. We have watched the sun set over the rooftops of the beautiful Romans that live in this city. Rome is apart of me. What now? How do I let myself be challenged by the thought of leaving? No one understands it, and that frustrates me so much. The people that were here, living this journey out day by day, are the only ones that will ever understand the difficulty of moving back to America. It is not a "transition" because I am not going back to who I was. It is not an "adjustment" because I don't think my life is meant to be contained to one country. I think the most shocking aspect of this semester is that I thought I knew God. I knew my "American God". Well, guess what? He isn't American. God reigns everywhere. I had Him in my little box, contained him to be what I needed Him to be: English speaking, easy to understand, and right where I wanted Him. God reigns everywhere. I had a hard time adjusting to another culture, because I didn't think I would find God here. I saw the characteristics of God in more ways than I ever thought I could. I have never experienced the love of my Savior as much as I have here in Europe. My expectations and desires of what God "should be" to me, were broken and shattered within the first week. If you don't want to see God at work in your life, stay in your comfort zone. And the funny thing is as soon as you pray to God to use you.. He will. And it is not comfortable or enjoyable at all times. However, the outcome is refreshing and eye-opening. Life becomes new when you live your life out to full potential. Something that I have had written under the description of this blog the whole three months is: "My goal is to see the other side of the Atlantic ocean in color, instead of black and white." My goal was achieved and even more so; created an addiction and obsession with this side of the world. Expectations will never be met here on this earth and traveling God's great and beautiful creation will only show us humans that fully. 

Reaching the end.

Wow, I am not doing so good with the frequent blogging. The last blog I wrote was March 10th?! A lot has happened since Spring Break, and now.. I leave Italy in 3 days. Where has the time gone?

This has been a very hard and emotional week for me. It is hard to admit that, because I have tried to cover up this feeling. This feeling of transition.. defiantly is something I do not have mastered in my life. It is so hard to visualize going home to America. Is that even my home? Yes, I was born and raised there.. but they say, home is where your heart is. Well, Italy has my heart. I think the hardest part of this transition back to America will be communicating with those that did not experience and see the things I did. Yes, other people have visited Italy.. or maybe even lived in Italy like I did. However, I can never, no matter how hard I try, explain what is on my heart now. Or express the love that I possess for these amazing people. I don't want to leave. I am heartbroken at the thought of leaving the cobblestone alleyways and the beautiful souls I have met, that have changed my life forever. This country has changed me as a person and as a Christian. God captured my heart in the discomfort of being in an unknown place. God took off the "goggles" that so many Americans have glued to their faces. The things I would normally see as "dirty, broken, or inconvenient", are now where I see God the most.

For an assignment, I was asked "What have you learned while being here in Italy?" Needless to say, the final writing assignment was 3 or 4 pages when I turned it in. I cannot even put fully into words the things I have learned. Not only historically and educationally about the many places I have visited. But also culturally. I have gotten the amazing chance to meet people from all over the globe, and even stay with some of them in their homes. I would encourage people all day, every day to leave. Leave the United States. Get out of the comfort of America, in fact, never be comfrotable. Never be "settled" at where you are at in life. Get out there and let the world mold and shape you for the better. The best piece of advice I have gotten, actually from my friend, Berit from Sweden, told me: "Yes, it will hard to go back. Chose to find the beauty everywhere you go. Take the good out of every culture and let it mold you. Keep traveling." Well, my dear Berit, that is exactly what I plan to do. Let the good of every culture mold me.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7

10 days of experiencing Him.

The windowsill holds me back from the world I am looking out over. The language barrier stops me from fitting in just enough to humble my soul. Different cultures. I don't want to look like "that" American. Walking down the streets of the unknown is outside the comfort zone. Outside the normal. Glances come from every direction. "What is she doing here?" We are all a body of people. The world is so big, yet so small. Populated by the diversity of God. His love is poured out from his creation through every breathtaking view, but better yet, through his people. God's people. The homeless man in the corner, a common scene that would send Americans running in the opposite direction. He is God's masterpiece. His brokenness is God, from his rusted can with 1 euro, to his worry creases stretched out across his forehead. To experience God is to let go. To love God is to fear Him. To trust God is to live in the light. I have never experienced the love and comfort of my heavenly father more so than in these past ten days of travel. Ten days of wandering an unknown land. Ten days of not knowing but being content with that. Letting go of the desire to be a powerful human is the healthiest thing one can participate in. Culture is a fine balance between two opposite humans, but alike in every tangible way. I have learned to love those that are different. And not just when I want to. Souls are beautiful. The connection of two that are from different sides of this earth is amazing. Poler opposites, but attracted through love of the soil they are standing upon. The good, the bad, and the ugly are going to be encountered daily through people. This world was created to adapt to the surroundings. Fighting the urge to make each and every day "familiar" is the creation of peace. Lessons of value are everywhere, search for adventure and married to that experience will always be a life lesson. I needed this trip. I needed to learn to respond to life. Never will I forget.

3 countries. 10 days. Let's go.

One presentation done. One midterm tomorrow. Spring break. I cannot even wait for a whole week and a half of relaxation. As I am trying to study my Italian verb tenses.. I am finding my attention diverted to packing and excitement. I have been so busy planning out every detail of this trip, that it has finally just hit me.. I leave in less than 24 hours. Well, now the hostels are set, the flights are booked, and my suitcase is packed.. kindof. (I cannot believe the amount I am bringing.. or not bringing for that matter.. getting so good at this 'packing light' thing!) I get to experience and see things that most people only dream of seeing in their lifetime. I will be strolling the gardens of Paris, seeing the colorful sights of Barcelona, and laying on the beaches of Lisbon. These next 10 days are going to be amazing. Ciao Roma, I still love you.

Truth and Grace.

Staircases and alleyways. I have come to the conclusion that alleys are considered the "safe zones". They are the peace amongst a busy crowd. They are the relief within chaos. Occasionally, you will see the old Italian man, smoking his cigar up against the wall. Alleyways are a destination, unlike a crazy street where the options of pizzerias and bars are endless. The staircases are the polar opposite. I take in a breathe of air before attempting to squeeze myself up the crowded stairs. These landmarks are more comparable to your life that just the hectic lifestyle of Rome. As Christ followers.. we are called to live in the stairwells.

"I need both: truth, so that I cannot hide from him, and grace, so that I do not wish to hide. If either were lacking, his severity might seem heavy without the one and his gaiety frivolous without the other. Truth without grace is bitter; and without the restraint of truth, devotion can be capricious, immoderate and over-confident." - Bernard of Clairvaux

Another great weekend.

How is it Sunday night again? Even with an extra day added to my weekend.. it goes by too fast. I am officially moving to Italy. I have only said that a good 100 times now..but it's true! The more I see, the more it captures my heart. I love living in the hustle of the city all week long and then leaving on the weekend to explore more. The life of trains is something I would never expect myself to be liking, but hey.. get me some coffee and I will get up early to board a train. My weekend started with a trip to Orvieto, the most beautiful country side I have ever seen. Honestly, to judge Italy based on Rome is like judging the United States based on New York. There is so much more to see all within hours of my reach. The day I got here, Patrick and I, (as jet legged as we were) walked around Rome for hours. Up and down the cobble stone roads, not even caring that we did not know where on earth we were going or how we were going to get back. This is something we still do at least once a week. Saturday we got on a bus, did not even know where it stopped at, and traveled until something appealing was out our window. This city will never cease to amaze me.

"Bizarre travel plans are dancing lessons from God." - Kurt Vonnegut

Lift me up.

Saturday marks the day of living in this place I once called "foreign" for one month. It seems as though up until this point I have been getting "acclimated". I have been using the excuse, "Oh, I'm new here" as comfort. I can tell the difference this week. I am beginning to feel the pull of the excited student studying abroad to creating an actual home here. To think that I am 1/3rd done with my journey is such an eye opener. I have found places that I consider myself a "regular" at.. cafes near my convent, pizzerias, or even the grocery store. The best way I can define the difference between a "traveler" and a "tourist" is the way they respond to things. I have found that when I walk in somewhere and the first word spoken to me is in English.. a wave of annoyance overtakes me. Give me a chance please, I am learning your language. Let me use it. When there is a bus strike (which is about every other day), calling a taxi does not even cross my mind.. scenic route all the way home. I love becoming the traveler. I love evolving into the person I am suppose to be in Italy. Tonight I went exploring with Patrick, and had the best tiramisu I have had here so far. My favorite translation from Italian to English is the word, "tiramisu".. it literally translates to "pick me up". Who couldn't use a little slice of that a day? :)